you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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