I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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