FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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