after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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