i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
