It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
