Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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