if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she pinky promised me she was 18
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
