Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
