you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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