she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
