great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
