I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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