i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
