Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
