Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
