How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
