I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
