I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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