Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
