I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
