I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
