I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Randomize
