i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
