I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We need to get me chipped asap
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
