honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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