words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
