Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
