I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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