I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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