his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
