u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize