Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
