You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
