I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
