I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
