He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
