my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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