just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
