i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
