I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
