What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize