I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
