Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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