So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize