After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
