If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Randomize
