he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
