rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
