Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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