Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
