my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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