I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
