so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
