no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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