dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
