My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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