i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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